How To Not Get Laid In High School

Write what you know.

Seek out controversial members of popular culture and have complicated feelings about them

A sure fire way to shrivel an opportunity for copulation–like a penis dunked in ice water–is to pollute polite conversation with long-winded opinions about things you are emotionally invested in. This method is foolproof because a) it overestimates the other person’s investment in the conversation and b) means you have swayed the conversation so that you can talk about things you know a lot about. The more scatter-brained and indecisive you seem, the better. If you can’t get your shit together, it means you will talk in circles for several minutes—potentially hours—without ever coming to a conclusion. Good luck in advance.

Back when I was in my sex-repellling prime, I would use this technique often and with great success. It is a conversational “tool” I still use from time to time, one which explains my recent fascination with Tyler, the Creator, and my eagerness to talk about him at any given opportunity. “Oh, you just read Genesis, did you?” I’ll ask, “Did you know Tyler, the Creator directed his own music video, ‘Yonkers’?” If you try hard enough, you can pretty much bring up whatever you want in a conversation as long as there is the vaguest of connections. Give it a try the next time you have a party. Impress your guests.

It all started when I was studying for my final exams in the final semester of my final year finally. I simply couldn’t bring myself to concentrate and was left unfulfilled by studying. Like anyone who has been in this situation, I turned to the Internet for fulfilment and a distraction, both of which I got. I got so much, my fulfilment declined in value, like a sports card in the early 1990s. It began with Nardwuar—a Canadian treasure and icon—interviewing Odd Future. I was mesmerized by the gap between Tyler , the Creator’s front teeth; it was as if it was calling to me. I was also impressed by his fidgeting, the combination of immature dick humour and intelligent answers he gave. Prior to this first viewing of Nardwuar versus Odd Future, a friend of mine showed me “Yonkers.” So I watched that again, about 7 or 8 times. Then I watched “She.” Then “Rella.” And all kinds of songs in between those.

One thing which appealed to me about Tyler, the Creator’s beats (can’t say “Tyler,” that seems to informal) is how explicitly gruesome they were. For the record, I am against the use of violence and feel that violence against women—especially trans women and women of colour—is a problem on a global scale. “But,” you are thinking, “how then can you enjoy the music of someone who writes such violent and misogynistic content?”. Because I think someone who inserts violent and misogynistic content at random is more concerning than someone who tells a story revolving around violent and misogynistic themes. FOR INSTANCE, Tyler, the Creator wrote “Bastard” from the perspective of Ted Bundy, a serial killer from the 1980s. Bundy, a white middle class man, would charm women into going out with him, then he would brutally rape and murder them. What is the value of reinvigorating such an evil person? Because there is something about serial killers which appeal HUGELY to North Americans. We just love’em! So while the mental health of the creator of this content should be taken into question, writing a song about one of the most famous serial killers in history is a REALLY smart business move when you are an North American artist, or someone trying to penetrate a North American market.

Then my friend’s lousy boyfriend told me he slaps female audience members at Odd Future shows. “He did,” Said Lousy McLouse, “he slapped a female photographer.” Well, that’s actually not true, and don’t let McLouse tell you otherwise. At a show in Toronto, Odd Future member Left Brain slapped a female photographer. Tyler, the Creator was there, but did not take part in the violence IN THAT INSTANCE.

In “Golf Wang: The Movie,” Tyler, the Creator gets out of a moving car and slaps a female pedestrian on the street. Then he runs away. In an article written for the New York Times, Jon Caramanica details how he tossed a frosty at a group of people from a car. Pretty unacceptable behaviour. AND THAT’S ONLY THE STUFF I KNOW ABOUT.

I’m probably going to buy “Goblin.” at some point in the near future. It’s a good album, and I suggest you check it out. This interession (interest+obsession) with Tyler, the Creator has inspired me to finally take listening to rap music seriously. Not that I didn’t respect it as a genre—I just lacked the motivation to pay attention to the music. They were too fast, you see. That’s all in the past now. Hopefully I have inserted enough concrete information and binarized opinion to assist you in thwarting the amorous intentions of others. If not, I am by far not finished expressing my feelings about Tyler, the Creator and his broad. Maybe I’ll do Jasper Dolphin next. He’s my second favourite—my little “Loiter Squad” silver medal.

To Do

Next blog post: Sailor Moon!

Work on some zine stuff-can’t get too specific here. Hint: the words I will be using in my zine are scattered throughout this post.

What I’m Listening to Right Now:

The Cramps–Domino

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