How To Not Get Laid In High School

Write what you know.

Become a bureaucrat


Hermes: bureaucrat of the future, and “Futurama” reference 1 of 2

In the losing battle between the sex-crazed masses and the enlightened few (some of whom might read and act-out this blog!) there are none more sagely and adept at sexual-deflection than the government employee. My personal favourite is the token crazy cat lady/bureaucrat who seems to have found a real home nestled into the bosom of the bureau of transportation. A recent failed attempt to get my G license lead me to one such form-shufflin’ cat fucker lover down at the London BoT. Upon having my fated number come to life in red lights on the small black screen (D7, to be exact) I sensed almost immediately I had been outclassed. Before me was truly a master, not only at squelching any sexual impulse which might saunter her way, but at killing point blank the joy in the sex addicts who paraded by her cubicle on an almost constant basis 5 days a week. Regardless of the fact that this miserable bitch wise woman refused my request for an extension on my license, her impact on me has been significant.

The bureaucrat is a truly a sacred vessel in today’s morally bankrupt society. Burrowed away in small fiefdoms located in government offices across the land, the bureaucrat efficiently and with an air of irrepressible superiority, deals misery to the undeserving masses. Few people realize that the duties of a bureaucrat extend far beyond the padded walls of any mere cubicle: indeed, it is a lifetime process. As a child, the bureaucrat forgoes the pointless flights of fancy and “sexual development” so lazily persued by their peers. Rather, the young bureaucrat focuses on developing skills which will aid them in their careers as misery mongers. Favoured childhood games include “you need to fill out the correct form before booking an appointment,” ‘Proper Line Formation,’ and “You’re in the wrong line (idiot).” While the bureaucrat is just as likely to be as physically attractive as you or I, a healthy diet of sneering and glowering begun at a young age can help make even the most attractive face emit a potent air of gloom and stress.

If a bureaucrat marries, it is only because they feel they have found someone whose spirit can only be broken as a long term goal. If the bureaucrat is goaded into performing ‘marital duties,’ it is only for the purpose of producing children and is handed out at a very generous once bi-annually. “Is that 2 a year or once every 2 years?” your asking, you coy thing. What the fuck do you think?

Oh yes, as I sat in my uncomfortable metal chair, waiting for the slight chance that someone might miss their test so I could rush in and steal their place, I couldn’t help but admire the strength and complete sexual disinterest exuded by this lonely, sour-pussed woman. A true loin-girded warrior in times when fighters for the not-getting-laid cause are few and far between.


Patty and Selma from “The Simpsons”: a source of untapped bureaucratic potential on account of an unhealthy fascination with lust.


For the sake of appearing reasonable, I will concede that government jobs of this nature are no cake walk. You probably have to deal with a lot of hostile, angry and maybe even (a few) really stupid people on a constant basis. That being said, your attitude does have a huge factor in how you perform your job, so maybe assuming all of the people who come to your business are stupid/hostile/ angry is not the best way to deliver (any) customer service. I recognize everyone has reasons for hanging on to jobs which involve doing things they find annoying or gruesome (the above example’s being any kind of human contact) but not everyone has the satisfaction of being able to be a total piece of shit at their job and getting away with it. That’s a behaviour I have encountered almost exclusively in government jobs, a realization which leads me to believe it is incredibly difficult to get fired from one of these positions.

Musical accompaniment while reading this blog: Apologies to anyone who is not “in” on the “Futurama” joke. Watch the episode, fer chrissakes. 


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